I've been watching "The Hills" lately, and it's brought a question to mind..
How important is it to be honest in your friendships?
In the show, Heidi is seriously involved with a guy (Spencer) who is, in the words of her best friend LC, "a sucky, sucky person". He's tried to hook up with another one of their friends and various other girls at clubs while dating Heidi, but she insists that he loves her. Since LC has shared her distaste for Spencer, her friendship with Heidi has suffered greatly.
So..what if you think your best friend's significant other is a total ***[insert your derogatory descriptor of choice]***? If they were having a problem with the SO and asked your opinion, would you tell him or her in the interest of total honesty and to try to open their eyes? Or would you just keep your opinion to yourself?
If you tell your friend your honest opinion, then..
// if they end up together in the long run despite the fact that the S.O. is a *****, your already stated opinion could cause a rift in the friendship
// if they break up, you helped your friend out of a bad relationship, but you're a little bit at fault for the demise of the relationship, right?
// not necessarily exclusive from the other two scenarios above..your friend is hurt and offended and cuts off communication with you..basically, you damage the friendship - and it's possibly irreparable.
If you don't tell your friend...
// if they end up together in the long run, then you may regret never sharing your opinion at a point when it could have made a difference
// your friendship is not as open and honest as the other person thinks it is..so there is some imbalance there
// you will have to bite your tongue forever everytime the ****** S.O. hurts your friend
what's the best course of action here? what would you do?
**note: i'm not actually in this situation..but i thought it was an interesting dilemma
other questions: how honest are you with friends who have been known to receive critical opinions badly?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
wherein "The Hills" causes me to think about life
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whoa. not one good outcome is there. i think being honest - in a tactful and questioning way - is best.
ReplyDeleteit depends on the friend i guess....I've dated some guys where after i broke up with them and told my friends why, they were like, yeah, we kind of knew about that. i was so annoyed they didnt tell me!!! but maybe i would have reacted differently while in it. I would hope that my friends would tell me...in a tactful way. but i've never been very good at telling others their significant others are not good for them, im a coward....trying to change that tho
ReplyDeletei agree with tim; being tactful and questioning hopefully won't result in hurt feelings or a rifted friendship. calling the s.o. a "sucky, sucky person" probably would hurt your friend's feeling, but pointing out what the s.o. does that may not be the best for your friend might make your friend think about her relationship.
ReplyDeletei think it also depends on my relationship with that friend. some times, i don't feel it's my place to bring something up like that.
random question somewhat related to that question.... what if your friend moves quick and bam! they're engaged. is it too late to bring up concerns?
this is a post i would've expected from i, but not u...
ReplyDeletei think it's tied closely to how well your friend receives criticism and comments from you. If you are good friends, hopefully your friendship has enough trust and closeness in it to cover any hurt feelings, right? But I think it's always tricky anyway, because even if people do want to hear honest opinions, there's still a part of them that will get defensive or resentful if they're not at the place to see it for themselves. Plus, there's always the (partly true) defense that no one really knows what's going on in a relationship except the people involved...
ReplyDeleteEven if you are tactful and questioning, I think it's easy for friends to excuse the behavior of their S.O. if they think they're in love. (This has also happened on The Hills.)
If I know a friend doesn't receive my opinions well and is going to hold it against me, then I'm probably not going to be straightforward and honest with them about the situation.
If they're engaged already, I think it's a little late..but you can still try to be supportive while asking if they feel like they're moving fast, etc..
I agree with the others, tactful honesty is the way to go. True, it gets tough when your friend doesn't receive critical opinions well, but just because someone doesn't want to hear something doesn't mean everyone should hold back from telling them. A lot of times we get so wrapped up in stuff, we need a friend's perspective to balance things out.
ReplyDeleteAs for the LC/Heidi fiasco, they're both at fault. LC is demanding a lot by telling Heidi that she hates Spencer, never wants to see him, but says "everyday should be Lauren and Heidi day." She should have been more tactful than telling Heidi "I'm going to be there for you when he screws you over. Cause he will." That wasn't a friendly warning to Heidi, and I'm sure it made Heidi want to prove LC wrong. And then there was all the "you have chosen" stuff she kept saying. Anyway, I can go on about "The Hills" but I'll save that for our IMs. ;)
yea, i was oversimplifying Heidi and LC's situation
ReplyDeletetactful honesty is good, but
what if others have already shared their opinions with your friend and she has shown anger by cutting them out of her life (say she's really sucked into this relationship)..do you still speak up and risk the friendship or keep silent so that you can still be there for her if/when things fall apart?
uh oh, are you saying you dont like me!? =p
ReplyDelete